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Shedding Light in the Darkness

The Wacky Wit of Boris Johnson

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As the world seems to slip deeper into insanity maybe it’s time for a bit of a laugh courtesy the UK’s new Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson. Known as BoJo, the former Mayor of London has come up with some real crackers over the years like: “My chances of being Prime Minister are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive.”
So more wit from Boris – “My speaking style was criticised by no less an authority than Arnold Schwarzenegger. It was a low moment, my friends, to have my rhetorical skills denounced by a monosyllabic Austrian cyborg.”

“Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.”

On using mobile phones and driving – “I don’t believe that is necessarily any more dangerous than the many other risky things that people do with their free hands while driving – nose-picking, reading the paper, studying the A-Z, beating the children, and so on.”

“There is no point in wasting any more moral or mental energy in being jealous of the very rich. They are no happier than anyone else; they just have more money. We shouldn’t bother ourselves about why they want all this money, or why it is nicer to have a bath with gold taps. How does it hurt me, with my 20-year-old Toyota, if somebody else has a swish Mercedes? We both get stuck in the same traffic.”

“But if people want to swim in the (London’s River) Thames, if they want to take their lives into their own hands, then they should be able to do so with all the freedom and exhilaration of our woad-painted ancestors.”

On the EU – “First they make us pay in our taxes for Greek olive groves, many of which probably don’t exist. Then they say we can’t dip our bread in olive oil in restaurants. We didn’t join the Common Market – betraying the New Zealanders and their butter – in order to be told when, where and how we must eat the olive oil we have been forced to subsidise.”

More EU – “Napoleon, Hitler, various people tried this out, and it ends tragically. The EU is an attempt to do this by different methods.”

On winning the London mayoral race: “Never in my life did I think I would be congratulated by Mick Jagger for achieving anything.”

On China: “Chinese cultural influence is virtually nil, and unlikely to increase…”

On speed limits: “No one obeys the speed limit except a motorised rickshaw.”

On woman’s beach volleyball at the 2012 Olympic Games: “They are like glistening wet otters frolicking.”

On former UK prime minister Tony Blair: “It is just flipping unbelievable. He is a mixture of Harry Houdini and a greased piglet. He is barely human in his elusiveness. Nailing Blair is like trying to pin jelly to a wall.”

On George W. Bush – “A cross-eyed Texan warmonger, inarticulate, who epitomizes the arrogance of American foreign policy.”

On Putin – Despite looking a bit like Dobby the House Elf, he is a ruthless and manipulative tyrant.”

On Hillary Clinton – “She’s got dyed blonde hair and pouty lips, and a steely blue stare, like a sadistic nurse in a mental hospital.”

On Donald Trump, after he insulted London – “The only reason I wouldn’t go to some parts of New York is the real risk of meeting Donald Trump.”

More Trump – “I am genuinely worried that he could become president… I was in New York and some photographers were trying to take a picture of me and a girl walked down the pavement towards me and she stopped and she said ‘Gee is that Trump?’ It was one of the worst moments.”

On Turkey’s Erdogan – He won a poetry contest which asked readers to write the most offensive poem they could about President Erdogan in the magazine The Spectator!

“There was a young fellow from Ankara
Who was a terrific wankerer
Till he sowed his wild oats
With the help of a goat
But he didn’t even stop to thankera.”

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